What is empathy and where does it fit into your relationship?

Alfred Adler said, “Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.”

Empathy is the ability to understand the other person by listening and sitting in their perspective. It is “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes”, to feel with your spouse. Empathy fits into a romantic relationship because listening with an empathetic ear will give your spouse a feeling of, “Wow, he/she gets it. My spouse understands me.” That feeling will bring you closer thus driving connection in your marriage.

Why is it important that we know how to have an empathetic conversation?
As Cheryl Richardson said, “People start to heal the moment they feel heard”. Helping your spouse heal sounds great and it is a powerful quote, but where do you start? Start with an empathetic conversation.

How to start an empathetic conversation…

• Avoid distractions, put down the phone or the iPad, turn off the tv
• Give your spouse the safe space they need to talk about what is on their mind
• Show interest in what your spouse is feeling
• Make sure your body language is showing that you are actively listening and genuinely interested
• Put aside your viewpoint, sit in your spouse’s reality
• Remember the conversation is about the other person, this is not about you. Your role is to be supportive
• Listen without judgment and with compassion
• Validate your spouse’s perspective
• Don’t try to fix your spouse’s feelings, just listen
• Listen, truly listen. There is a big difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak
• Do not give advice and definitely do not criticize
• Paraphrase what you heard and ask open ended questions to show your interest and concern
• We can discuss all aspects or your marriage or relationship and I will listen attentively.